My Year in Review: the arrow still lodged

There is a zen parable that goes something like this:

A farmer hears a strange noise at night. He gets up to investigate it and is shot through the shoulder with an arrow.
His wife is awakened by his screams of pain. The farmer man says,

" Who would do such a terrible thing?"
"Why would someone shoot me?"
"Where did they shoot this arrow from? Are there more assailants hiding in the shadows?"

"Those are all good questions," his wife replies, "but if you don't remove that arrow from your shoulder you're going to bleed to death. Why don't we attend to that first?"

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I have all the free time in the world and I'm still miserable.

I bet I have countless friends who would love to switch places with me. Every morning I wake up around 7am. As my life partner, bride to be, heads off to work ( to a job she hates) the whole day stretches before me, like a blank canvas.

I could...

... read an entire novel, or 8
...play video games until my retinas turn to ash and my brain to mush
...watch movies
...train for a triathalon
...practice my jump shot
...learn a language
...apply for jobs ( since I have none other substitute teaching)
...clean the house top to bottom
...or write that manuscript that I've been dreaming about.

What do i actually do?
Mope around.
Do nothing.
Generally feel sorry for myself.
Intimated by the sheer range of possibilities and having no established daily routine, I flounder.


So what have I learned in the past year about myself, life, and my place in it?
1. I do not work well in the absence of an established structure. I need adult supervision.
2. I work best when my efforts are accountable to an audience other than myself. I will honor my responsibilities and deadline for others but not for myself.
3. I'm really good at establishing relationships with children and can do so quickly. With children who generally have their needs met, I can establish myself within a few minutes as an adult who may be useful to them. No I don't give out candy or bind students to me with some other sense of insipid dependence. I generally treat children with the same humane respect I give adults. I offer help when needed or requested but not more.
4. I'm good at teaching about Science and technology.


I'm approaching 35 and
1. I have found my life partner. While that doesn't solve ALL of my problems ( because nothing does) nor does it extinguish loneliness, it means that my bouts of loneliness are shorter. Mainly, it means that I have someone to play house with. And, unbeknownst to my inner 12 year old, I LIKE playing house. It's fun deciding how to allocate money, shop for groceries, and generally plan the trajectory of our lives together. I look forward to starting a family and raising children with this woman someday.

2. I have spent most of the first 10 years of my teaching career meeting with VERY limited success. I had a stable job for 4 years and then proceeded to wander. Since leaving my first school in 2004, I've been at a different school every year. While I've enjoyed most of the programs that I've been a part of, I have learned that:
a. I don't fit well into the traditional big district public school model. Too many rules and regulations that have little to do with children's benefit and everything to do with CONTROL.
b. I like charter schools for their flexibility and willingness to try new ideas but am embittered by taking a pay cut of $10,000 or more.
c. I work best with students who have their needs mets at home. While I have compassion for children in poverty, or children of immigrants, I do best with students who have their basic needs met and have active, involved parents at home. The other correlation is that schools that house primarily poor or immigrant children tend to be run primarily like prisons. The primary factor is one of environment:
d. I think I would do best in an environment where students are given responsibility and choice and teachers are free to think "outside the box" of prepackaged curriculum. I could teach any child in such an environment. Unfortunately, thanks to NCLB, I don't think I've ever really taught in such an environment. And yet, the great ones, the truly great teachers seem to find a way to innovate no matter the environment. Maybe I will become one of those.


Overall, I still have a lot of doubt and confusion over WHY I have failed so many times. You would think it would be clear by now. The zen parable goes that I should spend less time "investigating who shot the arrow and why" and simply pull it out. Practice like my hair were on fire. I'm not sure if simply being determined and being awake will lead to greater success in teaching.

I'm also not sure what else I've got.