Dec 18th, 2007

It's been 9 days since my last confession.
I guess I'm not breaking my record of 20 posts this month.
December can be a had month to get things done.
Lately I've been more angry and tired than anything else. I just can't get the formula of my life to balance out.

Nothing seems to work.
Nothing works.
I hate the children.
I fear the darkness.
And there's never enough time or energy to do anything.
Laundry goes undone. Bills forgotten. Incomplete lessons. Uncorrected papers.
One of my students pegged the other with a snowball and the other retaliated by punching him in the stomach.
The former is banned from recess for two days and the latter suspended for two days.
AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!
The recess ladies are outnumbered about 120 to 2. So they don't really have time to watch. If I spend all my time watching recess then I don't have time to get my play or exercise ( I need a break in the day too or I'll go nuts). We've got from 11:27 to 11:57 , THIRTY MINUTES, for RECESS AND LUNCH!! It's barbaric. And we do it to ourselves. One of these days I will relocate to a country with an hour long lunch and an afternoon siesta and I will be happy. Until then I will suffer like all the other schmo's.

Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we work too hard? work too long? why do we go without sleep, without food , without joy?
And for what? All or struggling amounts to little more than ants scurrying about their brick of pavement.

I'm just fed up without ever feeling like I'm making progress.

I want to know that I'm getting better.

It just seems like the same old futility over and over and over and over again.