Winner or Loser?

Am I a winner or a loser?

I'm meagerly employed. I guess you can call being a substitute teacher a job. It pays $12.50 - $20 per hour depending on the day and the district. I like it because it has affording me the time to "moodle".

For example, some days I work only half the day or none at all. I get time to go for fun nature walks in my neighborhood while everyone is at work or at school. Even on the days that I DO work a full day, it affords me the time and space to NOT be stressed out about schedules, deadlines, impending projects, report cards. It's less challenging than real classroom teaching. It also lacks the reward of being in long term meaningful relationships with children. Then again, I feel like there are some classroom teachers who miss out on this. I think some teachers just see students as commodities or test scores. Perhaps they just see some students as objects, but not all.

What bothers me about elementary schools is the lies we tell children. I do not like the taste of propaganda nor do I enjoy labels. This student bears the label "ELL", this one "gifted" or "special". And sometimes students are able to wear all three hats. I much more prefer the view that all children are unique and have unique needs. The paradigms and the frameworks, the labels and the categories, they mislead us from the truth of the human condition: we are imperfect and we are beautiful.

I also dislike the position I am in now of having to explain myself and my position in life.

From time to time, classroom teachers or other school personnel actually notice me. Other times, I pass like a ghost through the building, haunting a space for a period of 2-6 hours but never really registering with anybody.

So sometimes people ask, "so how long have you been subbing?"

My experience has taught me that 90% of the people who are substitute teaching fall into one of the following general categories:

1. They are new to teaching via either a)recently graduated from college b) recently acquiring their license
2. They are looking for flexible part time work because they either a) have a child at home or b) have a side business or occupation.
3. They are retired from teaching
4. They are retired from some other occupation and looking for some "easy" work

My answer is pretty standard:

"I've been teaching for 10 years"

or "I've been subbing in your district for the past few months but I've been teaching for 10 years."

And then the conversation is steered down a different path, one that is also clearly bordered by preformed expectations.

Most teachers assume, 'oh, he probably got laid off by one of the districts.'
Districts are always going through periods of tight budgets and laying off of teachers.

Whether the teacher asks me this question or not I am pretty sure she is thinking it.

I did not get laid off due to budget cuts. I got fired, or I resigned, or I "did not get asked back." The point is: I failed. I failed to fit into the educational system I was a part of. We can debate whether it is due to my shortcoming or that of the system or both but the truth of the matter is that I have failed.

I have failed at just about every teaching job I have had in my first decade of teaching.

Which is why I'm subbing. That much failure has led me to believe that I'm not trying at the right things.

* * *

I do not know any other teachers who have taken the path that I have taken.
I do not know anyone else who deeply wants a career in a certain area and yet takes repeated steps BACK away from that goal in order to get a better look.

If my story sounds familiar to you, please call 1-800-sub-fail with any pertinant information.

I liken it to stepping out of the batter's box in baseball.

I take a few swings at a picth. When the count starts getting too high, when I feel the pressure of striking out getting to me,
I step out of the batter's box to check my stance, take a few practice swings, and get my attitude on straight.

Unlike baseball, there are more then three strikes in teaching.
I'm not sure how many marks it will take until they stop letting me back in.
I'd like to think that I'm the only one that decides when I'm done with this.

This is my dream. How can I be so BAD at it?
All I've ever wanted to do since age 8 was teach and write
(and be Batman).

So far I've accomplished the first task. (I've had my own classroom numerous times)
I'm still working on the others.

* * *

Oh, and am I a winner or a loser?

Well, a winner makes so much money that he can retire.
In general, I notice, the more money people make the less they have to work.

A loser may also work a lot less but generally not by choice. A loser is also meagerly employed but his income affords him a lot less freedom and privilege.

Some days I feel like a winner, sometimes a loser.
Ultimately, neither perspective is helpful.

The words "win" and "lose" do not neatly apply to life.
It's not a game with set rules and objectives.
It's a journey and an experience.


Today's observations were inspired by Eula Biss and her ground-breaking non-fiction book "Notes From No Man's Land."